December 30, 2014

My 2014 Year in Review – Honestly

My Friends! 2014 has been one of the most amazing years in my life…But I am not going to give you a Ra Ra pump up speech on how I achieved my goals and visions and how you can too. No, nothing so false as that.

If I said that I would be throwing up such a facade in your face, and that is never something I try not to do, because if I lie to you, I also lie to myself.

No, I will tell it like it is.

This year was brutally difficult, probably the most difficult one of my life. It brought me to my knees emotionally, financially, and spiritually. It caused me to question all of my prior beliefs, my morals, and my life choices. This year I doubted like never before as I was ground down like a stone flung against Malta’s unforgiving hardened coastal rocks.

It was messy.

I left behind my friends and family in the US. I left behind my cozy, stable job making good money. I left behind the woman I have been with romantically, all to come to this remote island in the middle of nowhere….for what?!?!?

To be stripped further. Because even though I prided myself on being able to take a daring adventure into the unknown, I didn’t realize that when I set out to Malta, I was still clinging to so much that kept me small.

I was still attached to my naive notions of an easy flowing life….where I just went along with everything… This belief in my powerful energy and enthusiasm that would just manifest effortlessly the life I dream of living. That I could come here and just passively ‘allow’ the universe to bring me what I seek and need. So I watched as I sat there in repose and my money dried up, my contacts didn’t yield many results and I spent night after night in paralysis but thinking that somehow ‘surrender’ was a good option. This is a deeply disturbing idea peddled in new age circuits that we should sit idly by and allow the universe to have its way with us, a bit like we are just ships at sea and we should let the current drag us to our so called destiny. No my friends, that is called abdication, and I have spent too long doing it. In upcoming work I will be paraphrasing the 10 myths of new bullshit like this one, stay tuned.

I spent most of this year still attached to my old life, rooted in low self esteem, but it was hidden from me until now. You see on the surface I was projecting this aura of this mystical hero, this bravado and want everyone to feel this inspiration so we can all rise up to our full potential. On my surface, I was always taking action and being motivated…but deep down I still feared actually being that person. I feared being that confident and that strong, to where I followed my convictions fully come hell or high water…I feared being the person who could accomplish my dreams. Why?

I was still attached to how others saw me. I wanted to be accepted and liked, so I continued to hide my true alpha brash confident self in exchange for a friendly beta. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers, But I was served my medicine regardless. I spent this year getting comfortable on stage in what could be the worst environment for a hip hop/Rnb artist with spiritual leanings. While I love Malta, the Maltese are one of the most unenthusiastic audiences on the planet. If you get them to clap you probably just played the show of your life….I don’t blame them though. Malta is a rough terrain devoid of easy agriculture and basic resources, a harsh living. Besides…you try being oppressed by a variety of different colonial powers for 500 years and see how much your enthusiasm holds!

Anyways, It wasn’t long before I got the harsh awakening about my need to be liked. I played several early gigs in malta where I did my hip hop set for a crowd of unappreciative listeners; they just don’t like hip hop…they were older folks into rock and roll.

It really checks your ego when no one claps.

So I let go of all that. I had to. I said Fuck it All, I think about the time I stopped caring.

As I shed my attachment to my image on stage I felt more free, but that was just the beginning of realizing how deeply paralyzed by fear I was.

Deep down I still feared change. Sure I talk a good talk about living on the edge and taking risks, but I can tell you so many days I stayed comfortable, stayed inside working on my computer, delayed making those big phone calls and introductions that would really take my career to the next level. I feared true change and transformation, but when your back is against a wall, you wake up. Come November, I was near broke, and I had to take an honest look at myself and the people around me. They were going through rough financial times of their own and all struggling to manifest their dreams. Why?

Because like attracts like.

They were abdicating responsibility just like me! I finally could see it clear; I needed to let go of the late social nights out, the huddling among the herd to keep warm from the cold truth of facing yourself. I let it go.

Then, in December, my computer, the one thing I use daily for music and writing, broke down irreparably. What could I do? Curse the sky? I let it go.

I looked at my love relationship with an amazing woman back home, and saw myself huddling to this familiar comfort to avoid facing the void within myself. I went through the fear of loss of love, that I would never find a love like ours again. I saw that lack of faith and I squished it. I had to let that go as well.

I looked at my band and saw I was huddling with them to avoid facing the real dream that I have had for years….my dream of being…well…my true self. My dream of being the man worthy to write these words. The man who can move mountains and do things that the adults in my life tell me are impossible. I saw that the band was a dream just big enough to make me comfortable that I was applying myself, but not big enough to really bring forth my true potential. I was avoiding having to believe in myself fully, to take the leap of KNOWING you can accomplish it, so you stop looking for external life rafts to swim alongside. I had to let that go.

Christmas came, and I had finally let go of it all.

No band. No money. No Computer. No woman. No Cry.

But in that darkness, in that profound spiritual pain of realizing that I was the prodigal son lost, I found the pearl. I no longer cared. I no longer cared about being good or being liked. I no longer feared loss. I no longer feared death, for it felt like I was already dead. As Brad Pitt says in Fight Club, ‘It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything.’

'It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.'

‘It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything.’

A few days ago, I felt I had lost everything.

A new chapter has begun.

Now I sit here writing this, and for the past three days I have worked 12+ hour days on my true dreams. The SPEAR program is well on its way to completion. My Voice Over work is moving forward quickly. My writing continues to evolve. My physical training has intensified. I have trouble sleeping because the dragon has been awoken. I have so much energy I can hardly contain it.

I am not going make any big predictions about 2015…I don’t have anyone to impress.

I just want to conclude by asking you something.

What are you still clinging onto because you don’t yet believe in yourself?

 Happy New Year’s Humans.